"A Kind of Love Story" Critique

Workshop 11/26

"Pretend Games"

This is a nice story about growing up and, perhaps, coming of age. E realizes that her friend Tay is not as brave as she originally thought, and seems to forgive her for it.

The POV in of a small child is really believable and works well without this being a children's story. It actually helps to understand what these children are oging through and what kind of lifestyle they live.

Also, the contradiction of Tay to E is really vivid, highlighting E's innocence, and even her own bravery.

One issue I had was with repetition in sentences. The repetition (like, each sentence in a paragraph starting with "She") can be really grating.

"Annunciation"

I love the parallel between the angel Gabrial and this Gabrial.

I thought that a girl so disillusioned with her church would have a more difficult time being alone in a strange setting with this the pastor. It is clear to me from the beginning that she finds him weird, and perhaps a little gross. Therefore, it would be more plausible for a teenager to be sucked into this who is mesmerized by this person and the church he leads.

Oh idea: make the first scene feel fake. If you use imagery that summons feelings of plastic and smoke and mirrors, that would align more with Marianne's confusion. I'm thinking gameshow host.

Also, I like the idea you had in class about changing the story so we know what he is doing is right. I don't think that you should have this story from his point of view. However, I do believe it would be cool to have four scene instead of two; two for Pastor Gabe and two for Marianne.


"Give the Water the Rest"

This was a very unique story, which I appreciate. I had trouble with the rapey-ness of it all, of course. I feel that, when writing a story like this, you have two options: one, don't make the protagonist the bad guy. Or, two, if you want to make the protagonist the bad guy, show over a period of time that what he is doing is wrong and that he does not succeed in the end. Your protagonist dies, and sort-of understand what he did was wrong, but the point was never driven home.


"Memories of Dust"

I like the simplicity of this story. Its short, to the point, and the plot is very easy to understand. However, each action the writer puts in the story should feel very deliberate, and I don't really get that here. Many things about the boys are not fully explained, and this is a very character-driven story. Simply put, for me to understand the plot, I need to understand the characters.


"Raw Deal"

This is a story that is centered around a dysfunctional relationship and a drug-dealing operation. I had a really hard time figuring out who these people were. Perhaps this is more of a story for a longer-format. Also, the female character just seems all-around bad. From the beginning, she was kind of a pain in the butt, and I don't feel like she gave the male protagonist a reason to trust/love her.

Workshop 11/19

"Proceed to Checkout"

This is a story about a cleptomaniac.

I think young Joan should have a more consequential relationship with her nanny. The fact that she always returned the things she stole before the nanny got fired seems kind of weak. I also think the things that she steals should be more random. They should be a mix of useless and expensive things to show that she really does not care what she steals, as long as she is doing the action.

The part where we encounter the boy under the car is a little confusing, I had to read it twice to figure out what was actually happening. I think a lot of this trouble with confusion throughout your story could be alleviated by eliminating wordiness.

The fact that Joan starts an organized crime group seems a little unbelievable and weird. I feel like compulsive stealing is probably a very private and, eventually, very painful illness. I'm not sure she would make light of it or risk getting caught with a large group.

I have no idea what the function of having Martha, Pamela, and Seth in this story. They are characters, but not really.

"Blackwater Men"
This story felt very SHERMAN ALEXIE to me. Don't get me wrong, I lovelovelove Sherman Alexie. However, I feel like the things you are talking about in this story  are very sensative subjects. You have a great big story here, and I really do like it, but I would rather you had explored one aspect of it as a whole because, frankly, you can't do justice to this series of events or the characters in this small space.

The fact that the casino is like the boys' saving grace seems like an incorrect message to me. Many times these indian casinos are mismanaged and the funds are misappropriated. Yes sometimes they help the people on the reservation, but that doesn't seem to be the case most of the time. So, I really don't think there is enough irony attached to the fact that the casino helps them turn their lives around.

Critique of "Sea Oak"

"Sea Oak" by George Saunders is a darkly humorous story about a male stripper and his family, which consists of his sister and cousin, who are young mothers, their absent mother, and their adopted mother, aunt Bernie.

A central theme throughout this entire story is poverty. It is very clear that the central characters in this story have always experienced poverty. The only thing keeping them afloat is sticking together. When Aunt Bernie dies, the balance in the family is thrown and things are in danger of becoming even more bleak.

The protagonist's mother's boyfriend gives the three kids a speech about the American Dream, and pulling themselves up by their bootstraps at Bernie's funeral dinner. This is the only thing he offers the children of his wife. A comparison of the girls' lack of education and this speech about picking themselves up by their bootstraps coveys a message that this group of people were never given a chance because nobody ever gave them the tools that they needed to to achieve this obscure dream.

It must be commented upon that toward the end of this story, aunt Bernie comes back to life. She is kind of a zombie, considering the fact that she is alive and talking, but falling apart and rotting at the same time. She is suddenly aggressive and crude, a stark contrast to her behavior in life-- which was always incredibly positive. She takes this opportunity to give her kids a proverbial kick in the ass, telling them that they need to improve their lives. The story ends after Bernie has died for the second time and the protagonist begins having sex for money. Despite the fact that no great change has been accomplished, and the protagonist has sunk to being a prostitute, the reader gets the sense that this is a happy ending.

Workshopping 11/12/12

"Lying"

This is a story about a girl who is trying to get out of a bad relationship, and maybe out of a dangerous lifestyle (unclear). The skeleton of a clear story is there, but I feel like there are way too many holes to fill in.

I'm not really sure where the protagonist is, a brothel maybe? I'd really like to be more grounded in the setting.

You use a lot of short, simple sentences. It makes it a little monotonous to read. I would vary your language a bit, try to create more complex sentences.

You use a lot of vague language, so I'm left confused throughout much of the story.

I have no real sense of where or when I am in this story.

"Dear ______"

This is a story in the form of a letter from a boy to his mother who he has never really known. I think that this definitely looks and feels like a letter. However, it doesn't really feel like a story. The reader is not moved along the story fluidly. There is a lot of confusing language and wordiness that impedes the reader's interest in this story.

There are some grammar issues, especially with commas.

"But a Minor Role"

This was a Western about a lawless town in Mexico, and the new, American presence there.

This story had great pacing. It really flowed well and it kept me interested. I'm not really sure you've done enough with the conversation that starts on page three. It seems to go unnecessarily slow. I just feel like the language in the dialogue could be a little cleaner.

I like the dual as an aspect of this story. It is an interesting concept that people don't really identify with anymore, so it can be very exciting. Also, the dialogue and plot that comes while waiting for the duel seems appropriate for me. From what I know on the subject, there was a lot of male posturing and stalling that went with duels. This definitely shows in this story.

The ending was very surprising, which is satisfying. The emotional response from the the Major was surprising, but understandable. I didn't think that was too out of character for him.

"Xmas, Jamaica Plain"

This is a story about a homeless girl and her friend as they try to make it by in Boston. The two are drug addicts and prostitute themselves for money and drugs. I really liked how the author examined the couple, and really delved into their characters. I think it is easy for most people to ignore the homeless, and even rationalize that they are less than human. Or that they, for some reason, deserve their lifestyle. However, this story really shows the humanity, fear, and needs of these people.  

I like how the author used the couple breaking in and squatting at stranger's homes to highlight their dreams and desires. These homes seem so alien to them, so we know that they have always experienced poverty. 

Emile dying on the floor is an interesting surprise, because, as the narrator explains, it could have been so many other things that killed him. 

"The Light that Shines on Texas" Critique

This is a story about a young boy, Marvin's struggle with racism and bullying at school.

The characters' ignorance to their own racism is  shocking. The author really makes the reader realize the extreme difference between America today and America during the time the story was set in.

The characters in this story are substantial. The reader can really see the protagonist try, fail, and grow. We really can feel his desperation and feelings of hopelessness.