Workshop 11/19

"Proceed to Checkout"

This is a story about a cleptomaniac.

I think young Joan should have a more consequential relationship with her nanny. The fact that she always returned the things she stole before the nanny got fired seems kind of weak. I also think the things that she steals should be more random. They should be a mix of useless and expensive things to show that she really does not care what she steals, as long as she is doing the action.

The part where we encounter the boy under the car is a little confusing, I had to read it twice to figure out what was actually happening. I think a lot of this trouble with confusion throughout your story could be alleviated by eliminating wordiness.

The fact that Joan starts an organized crime group seems a little unbelievable and weird. I feel like compulsive stealing is probably a very private and, eventually, very painful illness. I'm not sure she would make light of it or risk getting caught with a large group.

I have no idea what the function of having Martha, Pamela, and Seth in this story. They are characters, but not really.

"Blackwater Men"
This story felt very SHERMAN ALEXIE to me. Don't get me wrong, I lovelovelove Sherman Alexie. However, I feel like the things you are talking about in this story  are very sensative subjects. You have a great big story here, and I really do like it, but I would rather you had explored one aspect of it as a whole because, frankly, you can't do justice to this series of events or the characters in this small space.

The fact that the casino is like the boys' saving grace seems like an incorrect message to me. Many times these indian casinos are mismanaged and the funds are misappropriated. Yes sometimes they help the people on the reservation, but that doesn't seem to be the case most of the time. So, I really don't think there is enough irony attached to the fact that the casino helps them turn their lives around.