Workshop 11/26

"Pretend Games"

This is a nice story about growing up and, perhaps, coming of age. E realizes that her friend Tay is not as brave as she originally thought, and seems to forgive her for it.

The POV in of a small child is really believable and works well without this being a children's story. It actually helps to understand what these children are oging through and what kind of lifestyle they live.

Also, the contradiction of Tay to E is really vivid, highlighting E's innocence, and even her own bravery.

One issue I had was with repetition in sentences. The repetition (like, each sentence in a paragraph starting with "She") can be really grating.

"Annunciation"

I love the parallel between the angel Gabrial and this Gabrial.

I thought that a girl so disillusioned with her church would have a more difficult time being alone in a strange setting with this the pastor. It is clear to me from the beginning that she finds him weird, and perhaps a little gross. Therefore, it would be more plausible for a teenager to be sucked into this who is mesmerized by this person and the church he leads.

Oh idea: make the first scene feel fake. If you use imagery that summons feelings of plastic and smoke and mirrors, that would align more with Marianne's confusion. I'm thinking gameshow host.

Also, I like the idea you had in class about changing the story so we know what he is doing is right. I don't think that you should have this story from his point of view. However, I do believe it would be cool to have four scene instead of two; two for Pastor Gabe and two for Marianne.


"Give the Water the Rest"

This was a very unique story, which I appreciate. I had trouble with the rapey-ness of it all, of course. I feel that, when writing a story like this, you have two options: one, don't make the protagonist the bad guy. Or, two, if you want to make the protagonist the bad guy, show over a period of time that what he is doing is wrong and that he does not succeed in the end. Your protagonist dies, and sort-of understand what he did was wrong, but the point was never driven home.


"Memories of Dust"

I like the simplicity of this story. Its short, to the point, and the plot is very easy to understand. However, each action the writer puts in the story should feel very deliberate, and I don't really get that here. Many things about the boys are not fully explained, and this is a very character-driven story. Simply put, for me to understand the plot, I need to understand the characters.


"Raw Deal"

This is a story that is centered around a dysfunctional relationship and a drug-dealing operation. I had a really hard time figuring out who these people were. Perhaps this is more of a story for a longer-format. Also, the female character just seems all-around bad. From the beginning, she was kind of a pain in the butt, and I don't feel like she gave the male protagonist a reason to trust/love her.