"A Kind of Love Story" Critique

Workshop 11/26

"Pretend Games"

This is a nice story about growing up and, perhaps, coming of age. E realizes that her friend Tay is not as brave as she originally thought, and seems to forgive her for it.

The POV in of a small child is really believable and works well without this being a children's story. It actually helps to understand what these children are oging through and what kind of lifestyle they live.

Also, the contradiction of Tay to E is really vivid, highlighting E's innocence, and even her own bravery.

One issue I had was with repetition in sentences. The repetition (like, each sentence in a paragraph starting with "She") can be really grating.

"Annunciation"

I love the parallel between the angel Gabrial and this Gabrial.

I thought that a girl so disillusioned with her church would have a more difficult time being alone in a strange setting with this the pastor. It is clear to me from the beginning that she finds him weird, and perhaps a little gross. Therefore, it would be more plausible for a teenager to be sucked into this who is mesmerized by this person and the church he leads.

Oh idea: make the first scene feel fake. If you use imagery that summons feelings of plastic and smoke and mirrors, that would align more with Marianne's confusion. I'm thinking gameshow host.

Also, I like the idea you had in class about changing the story so we know what he is doing is right. I don't think that you should have this story from his point of view. However, I do believe it would be cool to have four scene instead of two; two for Pastor Gabe and two for Marianne.


"Give the Water the Rest"

This was a very unique story, which I appreciate. I had trouble with the rapey-ness of it all, of course. I feel that, when writing a story like this, you have two options: one, don't make the protagonist the bad guy. Or, two, if you want to make the protagonist the bad guy, show over a period of time that what he is doing is wrong and that he does not succeed in the end. Your protagonist dies, and sort-of understand what he did was wrong, but the point was never driven home.


"Memories of Dust"

I like the simplicity of this story. Its short, to the point, and the plot is very easy to understand. However, each action the writer puts in the story should feel very deliberate, and I don't really get that here. Many things about the boys are not fully explained, and this is a very character-driven story. Simply put, for me to understand the plot, I need to understand the characters.


"Raw Deal"

This is a story that is centered around a dysfunctional relationship and a drug-dealing operation. I had a really hard time figuring out who these people were. Perhaps this is more of a story for a longer-format. Also, the female character just seems all-around bad. From the beginning, she was kind of a pain in the butt, and I don't feel like she gave the male protagonist a reason to trust/love her.

Workshop 11/19

"Proceed to Checkout"

This is a story about a cleptomaniac.

I think young Joan should have a more consequential relationship with her nanny. The fact that she always returned the things she stole before the nanny got fired seems kind of weak. I also think the things that she steals should be more random. They should be a mix of useless and expensive things to show that she really does not care what she steals, as long as she is doing the action.

The part where we encounter the boy under the car is a little confusing, I had to read it twice to figure out what was actually happening. I think a lot of this trouble with confusion throughout your story could be alleviated by eliminating wordiness.

The fact that Joan starts an organized crime group seems a little unbelievable and weird. I feel like compulsive stealing is probably a very private and, eventually, very painful illness. I'm not sure she would make light of it or risk getting caught with a large group.

I have no idea what the function of having Martha, Pamela, and Seth in this story. They are characters, but not really.

"Blackwater Men"
This story felt very SHERMAN ALEXIE to me. Don't get me wrong, I lovelovelove Sherman Alexie. However, I feel like the things you are talking about in this story  are very sensative subjects. You have a great big story here, and I really do like it, but I would rather you had explored one aspect of it as a whole because, frankly, you can't do justice to this series of events or the characters in this small space.

The fact that the casino is like the boys' saving grace seems like an incorrect message to me. Many times these indian casinos are mismanaged and the funds are misappropriated. Yes sometimes they help the people on the reservation, but that doesn't seem to be the case most of the time. So, I really don't think there is enough irony attached to the fact that the casino helps them turn their lives around.

Critique of "Sea Oak"

"Sea Oak" by George Saunders is a darkly humorous story about a male stripper and his family, which consists of his sister and cousin, who are young mothers, their absent mother, and their adopted mother, aunt Bernie.

A central theme throughout this entire story is poverty. It is very clear that the central characters in this story have always experienced poverty. The only thing keeping them afloat is sticking together. When Aunt Bernie dies, the balance in the family is thrown and things are in danger of becoming even more bleak.

The protagonist's mother's boyfriend gives the three kids a speech about the American Dream, and pulling themselves up by their bootstraps at Bernie's funeral dinner. This is the only thing he offers the children of his wife. A comparison of the girls' lack of education and this speech about picking themselves up by their bootstraps coveys a message that this group of people were never given a chance because nobody ever gave them the tools that they needed to to achieve this obscure dream.

It must be commented upon that toward the end of this story, aunt Bernie comes back to life. She is kind of a zombie, considering the fact that she is alive and talking, but falling apart and rotting at the same time. She is suddenly aggressive and crude, a stark contrast to her behavior in life-- which was always incredibly positive. She takes this opportunity to give her kids a proverbial kick in the ass, telling them that they need to improve their lives. The story ends after Bernie has died for the second time and the protagonist begins having sex for money. Despite the fact that no great change has been accomplished, and the protagonist has sunk to being a prostitute, the reader gets the sense that this is a happy ending.

Workshopping 11/12/12

"Lying"

This is a story about a girl who is trying to get out of a bad relationship, and maybe out of a dangerous lifestyle (unclear). The skeleton of a clear story is there, but I feel like there are way too many holes to fill in.

I'm not really sure where the protagonist is, a brothel maybe? I'd really like to be more grounded in the setting.

You use a lot of short, simple sentences. It makes it a little monotonous to read. I would vary your language a bit, try to create more complex sentences.

You use a lot of vague language, so I'm left confused throughout much of the story.

I have no real sense of where or when I am in this story.

"Dear ______"

This is a story in the form of a letter from a boy to his mother who he has never really known. I think that this definitely looks and feels like a letter. However, it doesn't really feel like a story. The reader is not moved along the story fluidly. There is a lot of confusing language and wordiness that impedes the reader's interest in this story.

There are some grammar issues, especially with commas.

"But a Minor Role"

This was a Western about a lawless town in Mexico, and the new, American presence there.

This story had great pacing. It really flowed well and it kept me interested. I'm not really sure you've done enough with the conversation that starts on page three. It seems to go unnecessarily slow. I just feel like the language in the dialogue could be a little cleaner.

I like the dual as an aspect of this story. It is an interesting concept that people don't really identify with anymore, so it can be very exciting. Also, the dialogue and plot that comes while waiting for the duel seems appropriate for me. From what I know on the subject, there was a lot of male posturing and stalling that went with duels. This definitely shows in this story.

The ending was very surprising, which is satisfying. The emotional response from the the Major was surprising, but understandable. I didn't think that was too out of character for him.

"Xmas, Jamaica Plain"

This is a story about a homeless girl and her friend as they try to make it by in Boston. The two are drug addicts and prostitute themselves for money and drugs. I really liked how the author examined the couple, and really delved into their characters. I think it is easy for most people to ignore the homeless, and even rationalize that they are less than human. Or that they, for some reason, deserve their lifestyle. However, this story really shows the humanity, fear, and needs of these people.  

I like how the author used the couple breaking in and squatting at stranger's homes to highlight their dreams and desires. These homes seem so alien to them, so we know that they have always experienced poverty. 

Emile dying on the floor is an interesting surprise, because, as the narrator explains, it could have been so many other things that killed him. 

"The Light that Shines on Texas" Critique

This is a story about a young boy, Marvin's struggle with racism and bullying at school.

The characters' ignorance to their own racism is  shocking. The author really makes the reader realize the extreme difference between America today and America during the time the story was set in.

The characters in this story are substantial. The reader can really see the protagonist try, fail, and grow. We really can feel his desperation and feelings of hopelessness.

"Departure" Workshop

This is a nostalgic story about a character who struggles to move on to a new phase of her life-- namely, full-fledged adulthood.

First question, is this character a recovering addict?

Also, this seemed to read more like a series of events, instead of a story. I really did have trouble finding a change in the character.

I would have liked to see flashbacks of fond, or not-so-fond memories in action instead of the narrator's explanations.

I really like this topic, it makes the protagonist really relatable. To improve, you might want to focus on the reader feeling the same emotions as the character.

"Backseat Baby" Workshop

This is a story about a girl (?) who was dealing with her mother's infidelity. It has a really strong start, and a very passive-aggressive vibe all the way through it. This piece is very one-sided, which is problematic because the reader will have a hard time relating to any of these characters.

This piece reads more like an essay than a story. It takes way too long to get to the plot, and there really isn't  enough of it.

I'd like to see the narrator confront her mother about this, even if the mom dismisses it. It would be very telling about the personality of both the characters.

Also, on the narrator's part, I think we should see some hurt, instead of flat-out rage.

"Consequence" Workshop

This is a piece about two characters who want to kill God; The characters are Theodore and Alexandra.

The dialogue is a bit convoluted, which I think is a result of too many beats. That poses a big problem because most of the explanation is in the dialogue. 

I really like the characters sweeping away leaves and destroying the bugs' home. This seems to allude to God's dominion over humans. 

Each scene is kind of confusing. There are no breaks in the text to show the reader that something new is happening. Also, the events aren't fully explained. I had a hard time understanding what was going on.  

"Foster" Critique

I thought that this piece did a really good job of showing the reader what was going on. It set up the story really well in the beginning, and within a page I knew who this protagonist was and more-or-less what her conflict was.

The fallng into the well stuck with me. It is a really ominous idea, but I was really glad the story never took a very graphic turn. However, it seemed odd that the older couple would allow two children to fall into a well. Moreover, after learning of the young boy dying in the well, it is kind of surprising that such a young girl would go near it.

Other than that, I really enjoyed the imagery. The author was able to describe things that I would only be able to show visually to somebody else. For example, the watery light gives me a very specific, vivid image in my head. The amount of realism in this story was impressive, and I liked the arc all around. 

"Mud Watching" Workshop

This was an interesting story about a man reflecting on his childhood romance. I thought the idea of a young couple hanging out and, basically, doing nothing was sort of romantic; their ties to baseball seem uniquely American, which I appreciate. However, I felt that there were some major holes in the story that confused me. For example, I wasn't sure why this girl was going to Romania, and, moreover, I didn't know if her father was lying about it. The age of the two main characters was also unsaid. I know that the narrator was in his forties while telling the story, but with this kind of story I felt I should have known their ages in the beginning. Age is really important for young characters, because in each year that passes, drastic changes could take place in their psychology.

Critique for "Lust"

I really like the fact that this story reads like a how-to guide. I think it has kind of a neat affect and is reminiscent of reading stories geared toward young girls when I was a child. I think the dark tone brings about a sense of regret to the reader. This is kind of the narrator's way of looking back on everything and saying, "If only I had known then what I know now." It is clear that the narrator depended on the emotional relief that men gave her through intimacy. Therefore, this story really gets into social pressures to have sex as an adolescent or teenager. It really gives the reader the feeling that the narrator realizes how absurd it is in retrospect, but that it was almost inevitable-- she was destined to make those mistakes.

Workshops 10/29

"Perfection"

This story had kind of a creepy, desperate vibe. I really like how we don't know exactly what is going on until the end. I feel like the first page provided a lot of buildup, and the reader was rewarded in the last paragraph. The realization that he hand was only a stump was both rewarding and surprising. The prose were really tight, and the flow was very smooth. This seemed like a mystery and a horror all at once, very Poe-like.

"Promise"

I really like the personification of the fear. I think it was very useful to make it a character, because it allowed for the reader to really understand that this protagonist is consumed by her feelings. The ending is less than satisfying, but I feel that was kind of the point. The message here seems to be that the Fear is a lifelong problem. Though this character is better in the end than she was in the beginning, the reader realizes that the Fear will plague her for the rest of her life.

"In Hours of Autumnal Sleep"

I have never read a story like this one, so I suppose I don't really know how to take it. It is formatted like a piece of prose, however, it feels like a poem. I like the combination of the two forms of writing. I felt like this was a very unique take on a relationship between two people. "'I'll tell you what,' you say. 'This is what,' I say," is an example of how these two people are different. Maybe, in a way that it is hard to explain in words, their differing speech patterns show the reader that they are very different people.

"Cute Without the E"

This story's narrator was incredibly unique. I had never read a story from the point of view of an inanimate object before, and I think that it is a fresh take on a story about a creepy murderer. I like the idea of having a less-than-serious narrator with such a horrific topic. I think that this is an interesting way of exploring the psyche of a serial killer, especially in how he is so reverent to his weapon. I was a little disappointed in the end. I didn't think there was enough build-up and reason for him to be discarding his weapon so nonchalantly.

Caviar Critique

I thought it was interesting that the main character was so aloof throughout the whole story. It was subtle, but his tone was uncaring. He brought Marie to the doctor and jumped through hoops so she could conceive, but never was too excited or concerned. At first I thought it was the character's masculine nature. From the beginning, when he explained how he had never gone to college, he it seemed that this general aloofness was part of his personality, that it was something he felt obligated to convey. However, as the story progressed, there was still no inkling that he really cared. I think that was a significant part of the story.

I really liked the character of Marie. I think that she first comes off as kind of a push-over. However, after she buried her diaphragm, I realized that she was in charge in this relationship. I like that in her character, it was an interesting twist that she may be a sneaky genius.

Critique for "Tiny, Smiling Daddy"

This story about a father dealing with the publication of his daughter's sexuality has a really interesting progression. At the beginning, he seems sad and confused and the reader really gets a sense of how he's feeling. Really, we almost feel sorry for him. Then, as we learned more about the daughter, her struggle, and finally how the father reacted when she came out of the closet, we realize that he is kind of a monster. The mother, who seems sweet at first, seems like a guilty bystander in the end.

I like that this story really shows the importance of perception in a story. Not only do we know how the main character views himself and his role in this story, but we also know how out of touch with reality he is. The progression of the daughter's character also achieves this end. In the beginning she seems cold and rash, as many teenagers are. But by the end, her character is softened and seems more adult, and the reader realizes that she wasn't bad, she was just going through changes as any woman who was coming into adulthood.

"Communist" Critique

"Communist" is a story about a very indifferent teenaged boy and his mother's boyfriend. It seems that this character has found a way of protecting himself by refusing emotions. It is clear that he loves his mother, but he doesn't really care what she does or who she is with. That being true, I think that Glen is more of a symbol than a real person. Out of all the boyfriends he could be telling a story about, I'm not sure why it would be this one, because he did not really seem to have an affect on the character. Perhaps the main character seems to believe that Glen is the standard for all disappointment in his life.

The goose hunting part of the story was especially interesting because it felt like a defining moment. Glen was incapable of being kind and merciful, and Les's mother was responsible to make the right decision.

Also, I think it is important that Les is 16 in this story. It is significant that Les is the same age that his mother was when she had him. Les's mother most likely saw him as an adult, or a potential adult, and all of the advice she is giving him is probably very weighty.

Workshop Critiques

"What Wasn't Said"
Really great detail. I don't know anything about commercial shipping but I really believe these characters are tugboat crew members.

The last conversation was confusing. I had to re-read. Also, content-wise, I think that we could have gotten more information out of Peers, maybe a little clarification on what was truly bothering him all that time.

Is Peers gay?

The final paragraph: I think the narrator is asking the wrong questions. I feel like he is getting at "what is the neighbor was me?" but it kind of falls short of that.


"The Man With Two Souls"

I was kind of confused at whether the amnesia was real. I thought this could be a dream or a hallucination.

Going straight into conflict is great. It draws the reader in immediately.

Really work on your punctuation. You have quite a few errors, and sometimes too much punctuation distracts from the meaning of your prose.


"The Phantasy of He"

This is really great. The imagery and magic realism is very unique. One thing that was not really made clear was exactly how the Grownups felt about Dreams. It seems that they don't want to protagonist to dream, but they also want to keep them in his head. Perhaps this is saying "keep your dreams to yourself, don't act on them" ? Either way, this seems a little contradictory. Also, I was confused as to what actually happened to the dream when it became plain. That part was kind of a surprise because the section leading up to it didn't exactly set up for it.


"Chimera"

I think that you should work on making your sentences more concise, especially the actions of the characters. That will move the story along more smoothly.

Also, when portraying events in a story, it is always better to show the reader how the characters feel instead of telling.

"Short Stack's Crossing" Workshop

I liked the surprise ending, and thought that it was done skillfully.

However, the tense changed a bit, which made the story less clear.

Also, there were some formatting issues. For example, when dialogue starts on a new line it is appropriate to indent for each person.

Lastly, I don't actually believe a little girl would talk the way this one was. Perhaps she was speaking this was because she was some sort of elevated being like a spirit or angel. However, in order to make the ending really count, I would change the way she speaks to better suit a child.

"Imitation" Workshop

The female character in this story seemed fake to me. Her personality never really changed, and she was too comfortable with this person taking her into a strange situation.

I felt like the relationship between these two was little too lord-subordinate. The story felt a little rapey, and I'm not sure if that was the idea, but the female character was way too unaware of this to make it realistic.

"Nothing Ever Happens" Workshop

I really liked the beginning, where Elijah lay in the stream. I thought the imagery was very vivid, and the juxtaposition of the beauty of the beginning and the car accident was a neat device. Also, the little girl as a symbol was interesting and made the reader try and figure her out throughout the whole story.

There was some irregularity with the name of the protagonist. I'd say it is ok that the little symbolic girl calls him Eli, but the narrator should probably always call him the same thing. Otherwise, the irregularity is confusing to the reader.

When the story begins to get very violent and the cliff begins to pierce his hands, I got lost. I was never sure if it was really happening or if it was in his head. Normally, I could work with that, but I also didn't know why it was happening. The whole thing seemed random, which made it seem unnecessarily violent.

Workshop for "Milk and Snails"

I really like the use of the Backstreet Boys song between lines as the main character was discovering her sister's eating disorder. Also, I thought the jump from discovering the milk of magnesia to the flashback was really clever. I do think this story needs a bit more development though. I think the beginning and the end are exactly what they should be, but the middle needs more detail because I didn't really feel like I was "seeing" the story. Also, some parts were a little confusing and hard to believe. I think the author is "telling" the reader what is going on more than "showing" the reader.

I would strongly suggest changing this story into 3rd person limited. Also, It would be a nice touch if the reader could see the protagonist's thoughts. For example, instead of telling us "I was scared to go in, but quickly found that the smoke was just steam from the shower," we could read exactly what the thirteen-year-old protagonist was thinking in the moment.

Workshop for "The Hurricane"

I feel like this is a very well-researched piece. There is a real sense of insightful here, and even though I know nothing about surfing, I feel like I can believe how these characters act.

An issue I had with the writing was a bit of choppiness every once in a while. In the paragraph that began with "The storm bore down on the ocean..." I felt as though there should be tumultuous nature to this part of the story, however I felt like I was being given a chronological list of events. This does not true of the entire story though. The  paragraph that began with "I'd never surfed waves like this..." is an example of a part of the story that flowed really well, and did an excellent job of bringing me into the action as a reader.

Workshop for "The Secularist"

The word choice in this piece is really impressive. Not only did it aid in the flow of the story, but it made it very easy for me to visualize the events depicted. Also, the dialogue is really good and makes the characters more well-rounded. I kind of get a sense of who these people are just by reading how they speak. 

One minor issue I did have with the dialogue is the use of interruptions. I feel like there are too many. I know these can be important to having diversity in the language, but sometimes I felt that they were inappropriate or unnecessary. This could have been because there were so many of them. These were really the only things that were breaking up the dialogue and distracting me from the story. 

Workshop "Hitting Hard"

This is a well-rounded story with a distinct beginning, middle, and end. In my opinion, that's 75% of a great story so I think you're in damn good shape.

I really like the way this story progressed. It didn't give everything away right off the bat, and it showed me more than told me. That is one thing I definitely look for in a story. The plot is really well-rounded, and I don't really think that it needs anything else. However, I did notice that the characters are a little flat, more-so the man than the woman. The woman is a surprising, interesting character while the man seems to be a stereotypical "manly-man," haphazardly thrown together for the woman to interact with. I think if you polished up your characters a little bit this story would be amazing.

Critique of Stuart Dybek's "We Didn't"

I'm writing this critique as a native Chicagoan. I suppose everyone has a special relationship with their home town and judges writing based in that place somewhat harshly, or at least diligently. The first thing that struck me is the use of kielbasa, almost as part of the setting. I'm pretty sure this is a midwestern thing as well as a Chicago thing, but where one gets his meat and who is making it is very important when judging your neighbors. I thought it was a nice touch and an appropriate tip-of-the-hat to the town when it was mentioned. Next, the fact that this story was set on the beach at night is probably my favorite part of the story. I know this was set years before I was a teenager, but I know that only hormonally driven teenagers are the only ones who venture to the lake at night, mainly because the beaches close at sundown and nobody else is stupid enough to risk getting a ticket.

A part of the story that I loved was the intrusion of the dead pregnant woman in the lives of the two main characters. At first it seems as if the dead woman is getting between the two lovebirds, but then I realized that the narrator's unabashed sexual desire was getting between them and the dead girl was more of an excuse. I don't think his girlfriend wanted to be so physical with him. Through the narrator's own description, he was far too aggressive, far too careless (a sandy condom?), and virtually disinterested in the girl herself. The girl may have known this, but I think she was kidding herself and using the trauma of seeing the dead woman as some sort of protection mechanism. The narrator thinks the summer was ruined by that terrible experience, but he had simply encountered the same thing every teen boy does: a disinterested teenaged girl.

My Father's Love

The love between my father and my mother was so strong that not even the crawling vine ofparenthood could penetrate their bond. It was love at first sight, he said. On their first ten dates he brought my young mother a single four o’clock to wear in her hair. This is not uncommon, I suppose. Though in adulthood I have never discovered such a love for myself.

            Just over a year after meeting my father, my mother was pregnant with me. When I became pregnant with my own children he would often reminisce about how beautiful my mother looked in the glow of pregnancy and how it is every man’s dream to witness a beautiful woman’s journey into motherhood. “I always thought of her as my angel”, said my father. “But it wasn’t ‘til she was with child that I knew she was truly sent from heaven. For me.” After I lost my first child I could hear my father whispering to my husband, “Keep your head up, son. At least she’s OK. You are luckier than you know.”

            Of course, my husband and I did conceive three beautiful children. Although, Dad seemed to retract from us after the kids were born. When he first met my daughter when she was nine months old he told me she looked just like my mother. “Her nose. She has her nose. Just like you.” Then I collapsed onto him in my mother’s chair and we cried together. Me, with haphazard little spurts of laughter, and him with deep gasps for air.

            He died a few weeks ago. A terrible accident. He fell out of his chair and managed to strangle himself. The coroner’s sweet apprentice brought me brownies at the funeral and said, “So sorry about your dad. Such a neat, agreeable man.”

            “Yes, he was agreeable, wasn’t he?” I replied.

            “You know, I had never seen a dead body before your dad. I mean, not in real life. Just cadavers and the like. You’d think I would, you know, freak out or lose my lunch or something. But, it was so strange, when we first arrived on scene, before we went upstairs, the whole house was full of fresh flowers. The smell was unbelievable. It was like a wedding, or a…well…you know. And then, when we got up to his room and I saw him…there, it wasn’t gruesome at all. In fact, he was smiling.”

            I nodded compliantly and thought that I could never recall my father smiling.